I am being told that these are the best times of my life.
That right now is the happiest part of my life.
That right now everything is wonderful. Everything is exciting. Everything is beautiful, amazing and so so deserved. That everything is ok.
It is not ok that i do not feel this as much as I would wish. It is not ok that i am carrying new parts but i can not feel it the way others can. I can not feel it because they are dead.
I do not experience it. I do not experience it because they can not experience it with me.
What i experience is just simply the will to keep going every day, to keep moving, no feelings, no rushes or expectations of how i should be feeling at this point in my life.
Simply just moving with what comes.
Ok with the good and ok with the bad.
No ecstatic release, no crumbling to the floor. Only an equilibrium of the balance of nothingness.
Living in the limbo of creating life whilst experiencing so much death in my body and soul.
Until you have experienced onslaught of grief there is no way of knowing the full bodily sensations of absolutely nothing.
Of plastering a smile across your face and knowing that this is the time you are meant to smile. That you are told about in fairytales, that this is your time to be full of love, radiance and hope.
When inside there is nothing, there is despair, loneliness, a shattered kidney, a blackened lung, a ripped out gut and a soul wandering and wondering how to find a safe landing as the body continues to tremble.
Hoping one day it will find its place and surface deeply and wholly back into the empty body.
For now, I sit waiting for the pain, hopelessness and broken moments of hell to pass and heal. No need to force as the body and the mind do what they need to do in order to cope in the world full of loss.
For now, it is to sit with the deep hearted and deep rooted parts of me that have pretended everything was ok this last couple of years.
Being with the numbness and continuing to smile when all i want to do is hide in a dark room, cushioned against the wall and hope that the body continues to breath out and release the hurt that is stuck in every crevice of my being.
Waiting for them to empty even more to make space for us, to make space for love.
Gently, slowly and without guilt or shame of not feeling what i am told i should be feeling right now.
With honesty, reflection and space.
I will be ok and we will be ok.
It is all part of my sadness and needs to be felt, or in my case not felt, to get through the passing days.
With great sorrow, heaviness and a cup of tea at 4am in a quiet place, all will be well again.
Surrendering to the moment and the realisation that i will continue.
Continue with the heart of the man that holds and loves me in all of this when I can’t. Reminding me life is still possible with a soft kiss on the forehead.
And I will continue with as much love as i can hold, continue with presence and in time with fullness.